“Adding Value”

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s been a work in progress and took the past 6 or so years to write, but I am sure it will clearly demonstrate the impact of “adding value” to someones life.  The culmination of the story occurred on Christmas night at my house…

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I’ll begin at the end…

On Christmas night, Shan,  my 30 year old daughter (we don’t use the term “step” in our house) presented me with “Adult Adoption” paperwork. The paperwork included a full page, hand-written “this is why you are my dad and why you should adopt me” message.

I was speechless, which is not a frequent occurrence for me.

The message wasn’t full of “bullet pointed reasons” but full of things I had said, ways I have treated mom, my other kids (Amy & Jordan) and my grandkids, or actions I have taken that have impacted her life. At the time of these actions they may have seemed small, inconsequential, or spoken “out of love”, but obviously the value they added to Shan’s life was immeasurable.

Over the years I have grown keenly aware of the “hurt” my wife and children sustained from her divorce.  The “hurt” that never heals – the feeling of rejection because their biological father wants no contact with them.  The “hurt” that they are “not good enough” for him, his new wife and family. The “hurt” that never seems to fade away…

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I will never forget the first time I “stepped up”. It was six years ago. There was some “silliness” going on between Windy and her ex concerning  a missing birth certificate and who was going to pay the fee for the replacement. Windy’s ex-husband was all about placing blame and “being right” and was, well,  simply belittling her to tears.

Once I figured out what was going on,  I told Windy to just hang up. She didn’t need or deserve to be treated so poorly.

I said,  “There are times to teach and times to get shit done. It’s time to be done.”  With the deadline approaching it was not a time to teach, but a time to get shit done (as well as be done dealing with her ex).  My point had been made. And taken.

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Shan mentioned that incident specifically in her written message even though it occurred over 6 years ago. Actually, she mentions “those words” in many of our talks.  It must have made an impression. I may never speak or deliver a more simple, direct, and impactful set of words in my daughter’s life. And you know what? That’s “ok”.

Why?

Because those words spoke loudly into her life. Those words told her that as my daughter I would always be there for her. Just like I would always be there for her mother. Just like I would always be there for my other children and grandchildren. That I would be the best father I could be. Those words told Shan that I cared, or as she says “that I give a crap about her”.

Those words helped fill a hole in her heart with “something” from my heart.

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And, the funny thing is, I do give a crap about her! I only want the best for her. I want her to “figure life out”. I want her to get the most out of life she possibly can. But, the only way that’s going to happen is if she makes the effort and puts in the work. I can provide all kinds of love, supporting words, and guidance (i.e. “add value”) but she’s the one that has to do the heavy lifting. She’s the one that has to make the choices & sacrifices along the way.

Are mistakes going to happen along the way?  Yes!

Are tears going to be shed? Yes!

Are we going to have to stop, pick up the pieces and try again until she gets it right? Yes!

In my mind, this is what parents are supposed to do! Love on their children!! I am her parent. Therefore, I love on her…through it all…no matter what.

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Isn’t this exactly what Our Heavenly Father has been doing in your life? Loving on you? Forgiving you over and over and over again. No matter what? Heck, Our Heavenly Father loves you so much HE SENT HIS ONLY SON TO DIE FOR YOU!

Now that, folks, is love!

And how does that love make you feel? Maybe, like you have value?

Case Closed!

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Words have power. The right words, spoken at the right time will impact you or someone you love in unknown ways for the rest of your life…

“…here’s one last present for you dad. All you gotta do is read ’em, fill in a few blanks, sign and date them and I’ll take care of the rest…oh, but only if you want to…I mean, you do know how much a pain I can be…”