Author: Dan

“Don’t be vindictive.”

We hear that a lot in our lives; especially after we’ve been hurt or cheated. We want to “get even”. It doesn’t matter whether we’ve been hurt physically or mentally; we simply must get revenge.

But, what about “vindication”?

Vindication – “proof that someone or something is right, reasonable, or justified.”

Recently I had a great weight lifted off my shoulders. The weight was a mish-mash of a failed marriage, the guilt & shame associated with the failure and the loathing of “am I doing this for selfish reasons”.

One might go as far to say that, at that time, I was feeling a bit vindictive. Yet, I never felt the need for resolving my feelings. I chose to move on and seek out my “happily ever after”; dragging this weight behind me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago…

I received a phone call from “out of the blue”. The conversation provided me with something I didn’t know I needed – vindication – and the weight I was carrying all those years simply disappeared.

Upon further review, the conversation also provided me with “validation”. Validation that it was perfectly “ok” to have the thoughts and feelings that I had all those years ago. That the decisions I made were “derived from valid reasoning”.

Funny how vindication & validation “work”. I feel much more positive about myself. More positive than I have in a long time. I feel better about the decisions surrounding the divorce and everything associated with it. Oh, and I know I am not a selfish person; never have been. Never will be.

That’s the funny thing about life. Sometimes you receive something you need even though you didn’t know you needed it. It usually arrives unexpectedly and impacts your life in unimaginable ways.

And then, we get to sit back and enjoy watching happily ever after unfold in front of us.

Beach vacations are the best. The hot sand under your feet. The sound of the surf rolling ashore. The cool, ocean breeze in your face. The multitude of stars visible on a clear night.

Beach vacations are good for the body and soul.

At the beach –

Thoughts have a chance to wander….

…thoughts slowly morph from wandering to wondering…

Wondering…

…how many grains of sand there are on the beach…

…how many drops of water make up the ocean…

…how many stars are up in the night sky…

I wonder if thoughts like those make you feel small & insignificant; so small and insignificant that you wonder “why now?”. “Why do I even exist at this time & place?”

Initially, I did feel insignificant.

I felt small.

I felt alone.

I felt “lost in the cosmos” (if that makes any sense)

But then I remembered something. Something I have heard at least “a million times”.

Luke 12:7 – “And even the very hairs on your head are numbered. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

I felt encouraged.

I felt loved.

I felt a greater sense of self-worth.

Sometimes when life has beaten you down it’s easy to wonder “Does my existence matter?”

I am here to tell you, “Yes, your existence matters! You matter!”

You matter so much to God that He knows the number of hairs on your head every day! He knows how many hairs are left even though your brush pulls a few out every morning. He knows how many whether you’re hair is long or short. He knows how many when you change the color from one color to another. He knows how many whether your hair is curly or straight.

He has known this yesterday, today and tomorrow because He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

How ya feeling about yourself now?

Are you struggling with “demons” from your past that are keeping you from having a happy future?

Are you tired of trying to find a way to “move on”?

I was! No matter what I tried, I simply allowed the demons to keep me down.

Then one day, I realized that it was time to “stop allowing the demons run my life”. Maybe I’d done enough to resolve the pain. Maybe I’m not the one who is responsible or should be responsible for the final resolution. Maybe I need to hand the ball off and let someone else complete the task. I have run my race. I am tired and worn out. This is the “end”.

I made the conscious effort to “stop and just move on”.

There is value in putting the burden down and moving on. I may never know the value, but it is time to accept my healing. It is time to rest & soak in that healing, and just move on.

I won’t get bogged down and waste time & energy believing “it’s all on me” or “it’s all my fault the situation hasn’t been resolved” because it isn’t all my fault; nor is it yours.

I choose to accept the following- “All you can do IS all you can do.”

Then just move on.

It’s the end of another year. Thought now would be a good time to share the incomplete blogs I couldn’t quite get my head wrapped around or my thoughts all pulling the same way. Hopefully there’s a nugget or take-a-way for you in them! So, here goes…

“With Age Comes Wisdom”

Those 4 words are only the start of Oscar Wilde’s famous quote; which continues, “but sometimes age comes alone.” Ever wonder why we only use the beginning few words and not the entire quote?

Well, don’t ask me because I don’t have a clue, I just wanted to use his 4 words to grab your attention. Hopefully it worked!

I was wondering though, is it true? Does wisdom really come with age? Can wisdom be distilled from some alternative source? Heck, what is wisdom in the first place and why do ya have to be “old” to possess it?

WISDOM – the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being wise

What relationship is there between “wisdom” and “perspective”? Maybe what we gain is “perspective” and not wisdom?? Ya know. as time passes and we experience more, does that affect or color our views of events in our past??—

“Forgive & Forget”

I’ve been struggling with the concept of “forgiveness” for a decade or more now. I’ve written countless pages of thoughts in journals. I’ve re-read those pages over and over, but haven’t found peace with “forgiveness”

It’s a struggle I must find peace with; I simply must.

Maybe I lack an understanding of what forgiveness is or how it applies specifically to a situation in my life. I don’t know, but it needs to be resolved in my own head.

Let me share the basics – I was hurt, deeply hurt and pretty much “poo-pooed” the hurt; thought it didn’t matter and didn’t affect me. As the years have passed I have become aware that the hurt affected me in ways I could never imagine.

I have spoken to the person and offered my forgiveness, but still feel like I am carrying some sort of guilt – I feel “bad” that I limit the contact and information I share. Obviously, it has affected our relationship; but I feel the need to protect myself – even all these years later.

I guess I’m confused because the individual that caused the hurt does not take responsibility for the hurt…and maybe that’s why I’m grappling with “forgiveness”.

Although I have forgiven the hurt, it’s difficult for me to move forward with a relationship with the person. Heck, maybe it would be better to have no relationship with the person, but then if I have no relationship, have I really forgiven? Yes, I know it “won’t be the same as it was” but…

See my struggle?

Am I mixing my expectations or what I want the resolution to be with the concept of forgiveness or have I really withheld my forgiveness until this reaches a suitable resolve?

Anyway, I have to do what I have to do. I feel like the actions I have taken – limiting contact & information seems to keep the relationship functioning. I guess maybe I just want more – but can’t “do that” until responsibility for causing the hurt is accepted.

So again, have I really forgiven the person if I set these “conditions” or am I simply still protecting myself by taking control of the situation or is it all part of “healing the hurt & me”?

Circles.I feel like I’m going in circles. Time to stop!

The other day after taking a bite of some really spicy food I remarked, “It’s food like this that let’s me know I’m alive.”

I think I’ve even said something similar about pain. You know, the unexpected/surprise pain you get when you hit your elbow “just right” or catch your pinky toe on the corner of the coffee table or bed. I’m sure you’ve experienced one or both of these.

What is it about spicy food or pain that makes you “feel alive”?

Have we grown so numb (dead) to “normal, every day stimuli” that it takes “something extraordinary” to make us aware (alive) of the world around us?

Or maybe, we’ve chosen to live life in a bubble; keeping “things” that may hurt us or have hurt us in the past at arms length or buried deep in a vault so we don’t have to deal with them.

We often bury the pain deep within ourselves, hoping it will go away on it’s own, but it never does. Maybe we’re ashamed. Maybe we’re afraid.

Burying hurts & pain is no way to go through life. I know this seems to be a common topic for me to blog about, but it’s something we all do. And it’s something we all need to stop doing! We never talk about the hurt! We need to start!!

Did ya ever think that maybe if ya talked about it, the pain might go away; that maybe simply “popping the bubble”or “tearing dwon that wall” might cause a burst of pain, but by opening the wound it might actually receive what it needs to heal?

Why is there a stigma associated with talking with a therapist, social worker, or psychologist? These are trained professionals who are skilled and equipped to help you with processing those items you don’t know how, simply cannot process, or maybe don’t want to process.

Sometimes in life you simply can‘t see the forest through the trees. Those, my friends, are the times you need to find someone to talk with; before the burden of pain or grief becomes too great to bear…and you end up in a “bubble” or buried deep in a “vault of despair”. Those are not the ways to live!

So, these are your choices – “dead” or “alive”.

I know which I’m going to choose.

How ‘bout you?

What holds us back from doing something we want to do or try?

Why do we do what we do and why do we not do what we don’t do?

How do we decide what to do or what not to do?

What factors do you take into consideration when making a decision?

Decisions are hard. Do they have to be or do we simply make them more complex than they need to be?

How many times in our lives have we been told, “You can’t do that because…“ or “I don’t think you should try that because…” or some other veiled version of those?

Did you do/try it anyway or just give up, move on, and never look back?

How much different would your life have been if you had done/tried even one of those things?

The greatest teacher in life is experience. Mark Twain once said, “Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.”

What experiences have passed you by because of a bad decision.

Let’s try something; except this time let’s substitute the word “fear” for “bad decision”.

What experiences have passed you by because of fear? (or perhaps fear of failure??)

Now, it may not be your fear that caused you to pass on an experience, but maybe a fear projected by a loving, protective parent, spouse, or close personal friend.

Example: “What if you take that interview, get the job and move? What about me?

That’s someone else’s fear being projected onto you. Maybe, rightfully so, but still, don’t you deserve the opportunity to investigate the opportunity based upon how you feel?

Don’t allow your fear or the fear projected by others determine your path.

Be like the train in “The Engine Engine That Could”. Start with “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” Then be like Nike and “Just do it”!

I’ll wrap up with the following…

There’s a song in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” which contains the line (repeated multiple times)… “Don’t dream it. Be it”…

Take those words to heart!

Don’t allow fear to stop you! If you dare to dream it, you can dare to be it!”

After all, it’s YOUR decision.

When I was 11, I began caddying. At some point during the summer I told my parents “I’m making money now, so I can take care of myself. If I need anything from you I’ll let you know.”

Why did I say that and why?

All these years later, I may have figured it out…

Everyone experiences trauma in life. Sometimes these traumas are shared openly and sometimes they are “kept secret so nobody gets in trouble”.

Especially when these interactions involve children or occur between children. Come on now, how many times as a kid do you recall saying or hearing the following: “Don’t tell anyone or you/I will get in trouble” or “Let’s keep this a secret so nobody gets in trouble”? Or even thought “I don’t want to cause trouble, so I’ll keep it to myself”.

Problem is, and we all know this, the truth ALWAYS comes out. And when the truth comes out, not only does the pain return, but so does the grief, the anger, the feeling of helplessness, the return of low self-esteem and so on. None of which are fun to deal with at any age.

So, what do we do? We carry the affects of the trauma with us. It affects every relationship we have. We have “trust issues” – figuring out who we can trust, what can we trust, and really, what is trust. And that’s just the beginning…

For age 11 me, life became about “taking care of me, myself, and I”. I decided I would do what I needed to do to “take care of me” even though I had no idea what that looked like. I had to determine who I could I trust. If I told my parents or any other grown-up; somebody was going to get in trouble – maybe even me…and I didn’t want that.

But then, being 11, I didn’t fully grasp the concept of trust and the protection/security that comes with it.

I was trapped; so I buried it. Deep. I tried to run away from it…

When I was old enough, I moved away as soon as I could. And then I moved even further away. It seemed the further away the better. I used distance as a buffer between me and my family. I was on my own just taking care of me – not having to fret about “trust” or dealing with family. I just didn’t want to deal with it. And “distance” was my solution.

And then “IT” happened…

…the truth came out. The “proverbial band aid” was pulled off totally unexpectedly.

Worst of all, the pain returned. The anger returned. It ALL returned…argh!!

Since then, additional years have passed. I have realized…

“How could my parents protect me if they didn’t know; so why have I been “punishing” us both by limiting contact with them & my brothers all those years?”

“How much better of a relationship could we have had, had I spoken up?”

And these are just a few thoughts. I have so many many other questions of the effects of this trauma…

Fortunately for me, I still have time to work on the relationships with my family. And “I’m sorry” for all the lost opportunities to laugh & cry together. The time to dwell on the past is passed. It’s time to live moving forward.

Relationship.

Think about it. That’s what life is all about. At your funeral, it’s not all the things & stuff you’ve collected – it’s the people who’s lives you have touched, stopping by to say good-bye. It’s the memories we make and then share whenever you’re together. It’s about the friends we make and the people we meet.

And who are the very first people we meet?

Family.

Don’t take them for granted. Value those relationships and remember…

Family Matters

As you’ve probably noticed, I haven’t been updating my blog as frequently as I had been in the past – new job, new hours, and life in general simply tossed a wrench into my “well-oiled blogging machine” from which I have yet to recover.

I don’t think much is going to change about that in the short term, but I do sense a “return to normal” after the summer months have passed – overtime at work should be slowing down as well as the activities of summer ending, so I do see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

So, please bear with me…

Time away from blogging has provided time to reflect & review thoughts and plans for the future – the time to strip away all the “static” I have allowed to interfere with my goals and refocus/re-prioritize what is important in my life.

During this time I thought of a television show I used to watch as a kid – Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom” – a show hosted by Marlin Perkins which aired on Sunday evenings (I think). It was a travel/adventure show where the host and his right hand man, Jim, would travel to Africa, the Australian outback, or some other “exotic location” to educate the viewer about the wild animals etc.

At some point in the adventure something would happen (mostly to Jim) and Marlin would say something like “…so we had to go back to camp to regroup and re-think our plan…”. This occurred so frequently that my family renamed the show “Back To Camp”.

Wouldn’t you agree – Life is an adventure?

You never know what’s going to happen around the next bend in the road or what awaits over the next hill. And sometimes once you reach the bend or the top of the hill ya gotta stop and head back to camp because you just weren’t ready for what lies ahead…and that’s ok!

Why?

Because if heading “back to camp” allows time for the “professional adventurers” to regroup and re-think their plans, it’s also good enough for you and me to do when life seems overwhelming.

Perhaps we should go back to camp far more frequently than we do!

Why not go “back to camp” next time life throws you a curve?

I know I’m going to try it.

How ‘bout you?

Whether you play “until the whistle blows”, “until the horn sounds”, or “until the bell rings”, I gotta ask you – do you?? Do you give 100% effort, 100% of the time?

Ok, let me ask you this…why do so many non- sports fans go nuts following the NCAA basketball tournament?

It’s due to the possibility of an underdog making a miracle last second shot and pulling an upset. And yes, this happens EVERY year during the tournament. That is why we watch…

Winning on the last shot of the game wouldn’t happen if the underdog didn’t play until the buzzer sounded! Victorious underdogs give 100%. (And then some)

Let me ask you again…

Do you give 100% effort, 100% of the time?

Don’t let success pass you by!

Determination – firmness of purpose; resoluteness

How determined are you?

Let me tell you about my friend Jack…

Jack and his wife Nikki are currently on an adventure of a lifetime. Jack is bicycling across the US and Nikki is driving the support vehicle. It’s just the two of them vs. the open road. They left Santa Monica, CA about two weeks ago and are planning to arrive in New Jersey in 2 months.

Jack knows how many miles he needs to ride each day to make that goal happen. Trust me, he is determined to make the mileage no matter how long it takes – he rode almost 12 hours the first day to hit the target! In his mind, there are no other options – he is determined to make his dream of cycling across the US reality.

That’s what Jack’s determination is going to do for him. He’s going to catch his dream.

Do you have “Jack Determination”?

I know I’m gonna find out…

How ‘bout you?

I’ll be sharing more of Jack & Nikki’s adventure as it continues. I am hoping to include information like: miles ridden this week, total miles ridden, and miles remaining. As well as where they are at at the time I am updating my blog.

If you’d like to follow their adventure, Jack & Nikki have a Facebook page: “Jack Snyder – Kindness Tour 2021”.

How about showing them some love & support?

Thanks!

Most mornings I leave for work long before the sun rises which means it’s cold & dark. It’s not the cold that bothers me. It’s the darkness. The world simply looks different without light. It’s easy to become disoriented & lost in the dark.

My drive takes me past the municipal airport. I’ve driven this way to work about 6 weeks now, but just recently noticed the beacon of light the airport “sends out” to assist pilots; much like a lighthouse warns a ship’s captain of impending rough water or shore. The light of a beacon aids the pilot or captain in reaching his destination safely.

How “lost” would either be without the beacon.

Beacon – a guiding or warning signal, as a light or fire, especially one in an elevated position

Allow me to ask…

Who or what acts as a beacon in your life? Do they know? Do they need to know? How did they become a beacon? Better yet, why do you value them as a beacon?

How “lost” would you be without this beacon?

Now ask yourself…

Are you a beacon into the lives of others? Do you want to be?

How bright does your beacon shine? How far does your beacon reach? Do you provide “max light” or do you hold some back in reserve?

I know the type of beacon I am. I know the type of beacon I want to be.

How ’bout you?