“Family Matters”

When I was 11, I began caddying. At some point during the summer I told my parents “I’m making money now, so I can take care of myself. If I need anything from you I’ll let you know.”

Why did I say that and why?

All these years later, I may have figured it out…

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Everyone experiences trauma in life. Sometimes these traumas are shared openly and sometimes they are “kept secret so nobody gets in trouble”.

Especially when these interactions involve children or occur between children. Come on now, how many times as a kid do you recall saying or hearing the following: “Don’t tell anyone or you/I will get in trouble” or “Let’s keep this a secret so nobody gets in trouble”? Or even thought “I don’t want to cause trouble, so I’ll keep it to myself”.

Problem is, and we all know this, the truth ALWAYS comes out. And when the truth comes out, not only does the pain return, but so does the grief, the anger, the feeling of helplessness, the return of low self-esteem and so on. None of which are fun to deal with at any age.

So, what do we do? We carry the affects of the trauma with us. It affects every relationship we have. We have “trust issues” – figuring out who we can trust, what can we trust, and really, what is trust. And that’s just the beginning…

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For age 11 me, life became about “taking care of me, myself, and I”. I decided I would do what I needed to do to “take care of me” even though I had no idea what that looked like. I had to determine who I could I trust. If I told my parents or any other grown-up; somebody was going to get in trouble – maybe even me…and I didn’t want that.

But then, being 11, I didn’t fully grasp the concept of trust and the protection/security that comes with it.

I was trapped; so I buried it. Deep. I tried to run away from it…

When I was old enough, I moved away as soon as I could. And then I moved even further away. It seemed the further away the better. I used distance as a buffer between me and my family. I was on my own just taking care of me – not having to fret about “trust” or dealing with family. I just didn’t want to deal with it. And “distance” was my solution.

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And then “IT” happened…

…the truth came out. The “proverbial band aid” was pulled off totally unexpectedly.

Worst of all, the pain returned. The anger returned. It ALL returned…argh!!

Since then, additional years have passed. I have realized…

“How could my parents protect me if they didn’t know; so why have I been “punishing” us both by limiting contact with them & my brothers all those years?”

“How much better of a relationship could we have had, had I spoken up?”

And these are just a few thoughts. I have so many many other questions of the effects of this trauma…

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Fortunately for me, I still have time to work on the relationships with my family. And “I’m sorry” for all the lost opportunities to laugh & cry together. The time to dwell on the past is passed. It’s time to live moving forward.

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Relationship.

Think about it. That’s what life is all about. At your funeral, it’s not all the things & stuff you’ve collected – it’s the people who’s lives you have touched, stopping by to say good-bye. It’s the memories we make and then share whenever you’re together. It’s about the friends we make and the people we meet.

And who are the very first people we meet?

Family.

Don’t take them for granted. Value those relationships and remember…

Family Matters